In my work as a canonist, I have encountered many engaged and divorced Catholics who cohabitate. I have heard plenty of conversations about cohabitation, and one theme I have noticed is that people want to focus on the practical issues. Church ministers talk about how cohabitation makes for poor preparation for marriage, and cite statistics such as the 85% divorce rate among couples who cohabitate. Finances are another favorite topic as many couples claim that the only reason they are living together is to save money. However, the giant elephant in the room is the one issue involved in cohabitation that few people want to talk about: sex. Among people who cohabitate, sex is commonly viewed as a non-issue, for many think that nearly every dating relationship necessarily involves sex. Church ministers avoid the discussion because they fear being viewed as intolerant and judgmental, and don’t want to scare couples away from the Church.
The problem with this avoidance is that few people get around to talking about the Church’s actual teaching on sexuality. In my experience, the vast majority of couples who cohabitate have not had the opportunity to learn what the Church actually teaches. They may know that the Church prohibits all sexual activity outside of marriage, but they couldn’t tell you why. People view the Church teaching on sexuality as they view speed limit laws: a nice rule meant to keep you safe, but one that you can almost always break without penalty. Much ink has been spilled in the discussion of high divorce rates, but not as much on the correlation of cohabitation and divorce.
This is so unfortunate because, let’s face it, the practical arguments against cohabitation are not all that persuasive. You could learn these arguments from a segment on the morning news. Few couples are going to stop living together because of statistics. What is persuasive is a true understanding of the Church’s beautiful teaching on sexuality, and that’s a segment The Today Show isn’t going to be running any time soon. This teaching is complex and holistic, and takes time to learn. I remember attending a marriage preparation class, where the priest presenter was giving the talk on Blessed John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. He only had about an hour, and was clearly struggling trying to figure out how to cram this exquisite teaching into an hour talk. And who can blame him? It is impossible to do this, as you cannot understand the teaching on sexuality without an understanding of the Church’s teaching on the dignity of the person, the Trinity, and many other concepts.
When it comes to cohabitation, what is needed is honesty. Contrary to public opinion, cohabitation is not a personal choice. Couples who cohabitate are making a public statement that they reject the Church’s teaching on sexuality and marriage. Though practical issues may have been a part of the decision, when it comes down to it, cohabitation would not be an option if sexual activity wasn’t involved. Instead of blithely skimming over the issue of sex, couples should be confronted with the fact that their lifestyle is incompatible with their Catholic faith, and in fact bars them from the sacraments. This confrontation should not be angry and condemnatory. Many people have never learned what the Church actually teaches. As Fulton Sheen famously said, “There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.” Luckily, our Church leaders are recognizing this fact. Our bishop has just written a wonderful pastoral on marriage. The media has mistakenly claimed that this was written only in response to the upcoming referendum issue of redefining marriage. The truth is that the bishop, in his wisdom, has recognized that the Church’s teaching on sexuality and marriage is often lost, dismantled, and confused. We should not simply criticize people who are cohabitating, but we should challenge them to learn why the Church does not accept cohabitation and reconsider their lifestyle.
The pastoral letter can be read here: http://beautyofmarriage.org/
By Shannon Fossett
Shannon is a Canonist for the Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland
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