Be Her Gift This Valentine's Day

In case all of you men have not heard Monday is Valentine’s Day.  That’s right the pressure is on to make sure you get that special something to show your wife or fiancée that you love her (Note: I’m writing to men who are married or will be married, but the message should help out all men).

Now don’t worry because this has been resolved for you!  Just buy her a dozen roses (with the free vase!) in her favorite color.  If that doesn’t work, why not get her a pajamagram – what woman doesn’t like new pajamas while it is still cold out.  Not enough, then really show her you love her by buying those diamond earrings she has been longing for (you can even trade them in next year for a larger pair and only pay the difference - imagine how big they will be in ten years!).  If you are running out of time just go for the staples: a nice card with a box of chocolates – that will at least meet the standard of what she is expecting from you.

Truth is, while all of the above are nice and will surely bring a smile to her face, none of it is enough. None of the above meets the real standard for loving our wives or fiancées.

Jesus Christ has set the standard for the gift she deserves.  If you want to show her you love her this Valentine’s Day do this:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church and handed Himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the Church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Eph. 5: 26-29)

This is the gift she truly desires and deserves from you.  Drop everything that holds you back from loving your wife or fiancée like Christ loved his Church.  Only you know what it is that prevents you from this type of love.  Is it work, friends, sports, pornography, hobbies, selfishness, and on and on and on?  Identify it, seek God’s healing from it (get to the Sacrament of Reconciliation) and drop it from your life. 

Be a real man for her - a man of God. All of this requires a wild abandonment to Christ first and foremost. Go to Him, especially in the Eucharist, and learn from Him. Learn to love her as He loved the Church.

Be her gift this Valentine’s Day.

By Michael Lavigne

P.S. To my beloved wife Lori: I love you and desire to love you more and more each day as Christ loved His Church.  Thank you for loving me and challenging me to grow as a husband and father – to grow as a man of God. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Man and Woman are Made for Each Other

During this 5^th week of Ordinary Time, as we celebrate National Marriage Week, the Church’s liturgy focuses on the book of Genesis.  In Thursday’s reading from Genesis 2:18-25, we find the biblical account of the original unity of man and woman.  Earlier in Genesis we see how God enabled the first man to discover the beauty and wonder of creation, and He even entrusts him with the creative task of naming the animals.  As fascinating as these creatures were, none of them could fulfill Adam’s deepest desires and needs.  He was left alone. 

“It is not good for the man to be alone.”  (Gen. 2:18)  The first man living alone is not yet fully human and complete in the mind and heart of God.  The fashioning and creation of woman provides a unique complementarity that brings about the completion of his humanity and masculinity.  This complementarity is reciprocal between them as they are made physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually for one another.  In effect, in leading the man to the woman and the woman to the man, God creates the first marriage. 

The creation of humanity is not simply left to mere chance.  God intentionally creates the woman for the man and vice-versa.  In this divine act of love, God invites the first couple, and all succeeding couples to reflect on this mystery of life and love.  It is fascinating to see that in the story of the creation of woman, God fashions woman from the man’s side, and she is created as his equal.  God establishes men and women as equal co-partners.  He takes one of the man’s ribs (from his side) to bring the woman into being – man and woman are created in the image and likeness of God…male and female…and they are made for one another! 

The complementarity of the man and woman implies a shared dominion, and also a deep communion of life and love.  The Hebrew words  “ ‘ezer kenegdo” means “like as unto him,” “as one suitable to him,” a “help or support.”  They are made as mutual companions and co-partners and are given to one another as gift.  They relate to each other by participating in the life of one another and receiving the reciprocal gift of one another.  They are enriched and blessed to be given a share in the creative capacity of bringing forth new life from the fruit of their love for one another and for God.

Marriage is unique for a reason, so that man and woman can share fully in the life of one another and participate in the plan of God for humanity.  When man and woman open their heart and mind to God and each other, they can discover this great gift of reciprocal complementarity.

Fr. Kevin Martin is the Parochial Vicar for St. Michael's Parish, Augusta

Suffering in Marriage: An Opportunity

Today’s culture runs away from suffering, marriage, commitment, children and any other attachment that might come with inconvenience, self-sacrifice or discomfort.  Those who embrace the Sacrament and vocation of marriage are offering the world a sign of suffering that can bear fruit for the sake of others.

In a unique way, married couples by the fact of their entering a sacramental marriage are called to a special form of suffering. It’s not simply a matter of varying opinions on whether or not to roll the toothpaste tube from the bottom, or the annoyance of a snoring spouse.  More profoundly, through their consent to marriage, the couple participates in the love between Christ and the Church.

Jesus Christ died for the Church, suffering for the sake of her salvation. In Familiaris Consortio, John Paul II wrote, “Spouses are therefore the permanent reminder to the Church of what happened on the Cross; they are for one another and for the children witnesses to the salvation in which the sacrament makes them sharers.”  If a couple denies this privilege of marriage by cohabiting or “hooking up,” then they are simultaneously denying the world a sign of salvation.  Without the permanent reminder of redemptive suffering presented in marriage, widespread narcissism is inevitable.  On the contrary, when witnesses of self-giving love, received from God and not grasped for one’s own self-affirmation, abound in the culture, then a true culture of life and a civilization of love are able to bloom.

It seems paradoxical to say that our suffering culture needs suffering, yet this is precisely the case.  The heartache caused by divorce, contraception, abortion, hooking-up and other common practices today can only be resolved by understanding suffering as a gift of offering to the world a witness of God’s love.  Simultaneously, those who embrace this view are healed of a narcissistic tendency to focus on self-gain rather than self-gift.  Consequently, one is freed to experience the words of Vatican II, often quoted by John Paul II: “[M]an, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.” (Gaudium et Spes 24)

When the trials and sufferings of marriage seem particularly difficult to bear, couples may find some comfort in offering their suffering as part of their gift of self to God.  The Lord is able to receive the couple’s suffering as fertilizer for the seeds He has already planted.  In this way, the suffering of marriage is able to bear great fruit for the couple, for their family and for society at large.

By Emily Bissonnette, Theology of the Body Education Coordinator at Ruah Woods in Cincinnati, OH. She received her Masters in Theological Studies from the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family in Washington, DC, and her undergraduate degree in Theology and Communication Arts from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Emily is dedicated to sharing John Paul II's legacy through writing, blogging, speaking and media appearances, which she has done on three continents. She can be reached at emily.bissonnette@gmail.com.

Defending Marriage

 Over the last few years, the push for same-sex marriage has led opponents to surmise that “marriage is under attack” and that there is an urgent need to rally in “defense of marriage” as an institution.  While this debate touches upon the deepest values of our society, every day I am reminded of the many other ways that marriage is threatened. Trained to navigate and understand the laws of the Catholic Church, I am a canon lawyer and serve the Diocese of Portland primarily in the Marriage Tribunal, which investigates whether divorced individuals can remarry in the Catholic Church. More than anything, I have learned through my work here that so many have suffered greatly through failed marriages. While this is no surprise given the high divorce rate in the United States, hearing the stories of divorce and meeting those in pain is very different from reading a statistic. Some wounds never quite heal in this life.

As I share in the experiences of others’ turmoil, abuse, abandonment, hopelessness, anguish, shame, and disappointment, I imagine Christ’s commandment to “love one another” almost, instead, as a plea: “Please, I beg you! Love one another.” Every one of us, whether married or not, faces the trap to love less or not at all, to give less or not at all. Marriages fade and die without love. The love that marriage needs, however, is not mere affection, emotion, or feeling. Love is a commitment, a selfless devotion to the happiness and well-being of another. Although men and women are made to love and be loved, it takes effort to live our lives according to love.

In our own marriages, the fate of marriage as an institution is at stake. If marriage is the bedrock of our society, let it first be the bedrock of our families. It is so important for our friends, relatives and, most of all, children, to recognize the love that thrives in marriage. Too many broken marriages repeat themselves over the generations. How can we as a Church uphold marriage as a sacred institution if so many of us struggle to keep our families together? Whether you are single, happily married, unhappily married, or divorced, my advice is the same: love those close to you, especially when it’s difficult, and pray that God will give you the strength to live as you ought.

By Stephen Garbitelli, Canonist, Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland

Rules, Regulations, and Weddings: Why the Church Cares

During wedding season, one of the common questions I am asked by engaged couples is why they cannot have a non-traditional Catholic wedding. In an age where the average cost of an American wedding is $30,000, and numerous television shows highlight extravagant, personalized weddings, people are often bewildered by the Church placing restrictions and requirements on “their special day.”

When at least one of the spouses is Catholic, the Church has certain requirements for weddings. These requirements constitute what is called the canonical form of marriage. Canonical form includes elements such as who may witness a marriage, when a marriage may take place, what must be included in the ceremony, and where the ceremony is to take place. Canonical form has a long and colorful history in the Church. In the Middle Ages, weddings often involved only the couple exchanging their consent privately. However, these weddings produced disastrous results as the spouses, usually the wife, could not prove that they were really married. This led to social problems such as abandoned spouses, children, and confused property and inheritance rights.

While clandestine marriages may have been the catalyst for the introduction of canonical form, there are more pastoral and theological reasons underlying these requirements. At a practical and pastoral level, engaged couples must meet with a priest at some point before their wedding. This ensures that they are given the opportunity to receive assistance and preparation prior to marrying. Pope Benedict XVI, in his address to the Tribunal of the Roman Rota on January 23, 2011, spoke at length about the necessity of better marriage preparation as a means to counter the prevalence of divorce. This requirement affords ministers the opportunity to reach out to engaged couples. The second, more theological reason for canonical form is to ensure that the wedding ceremony corresponds to the liturgical and ecclesial components of a sacramental celebration in the Church.

Most people would never imagine requesting that any other sacrament take place outdoors, or to a form of their choosing. Marriages are not private events, but public ecclesial ones. The spouses are declaring their commitment publicly, and so it is fitting that the celebration takes place in a church, where the focus is on the Eucharist. Couples are sometimes upset that their wedding cannot take place on a tropical beach, with a friend who was recently “ordained” on the Internet presiding. Yet it is important for these couples to decide if what they truly desire is a marriage centered on Christ, and, if so, whether their wedding ceremony will be consistent with the true significance of the marriage covenant. The requirements of canonical form are not present to restrict the spouses. On the contrary, they exist to enable the couple to have the opportunity to receive assistance from the Church’s ministers, and to have a fruitful celebration worthy of the dignity of marriage.

By Shannon Fossett, Canonist, Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland

Singleness: A Grace-Filled Season

For as long as I can remember, I’ve known that marriage is my vocation.  It’s tough to explain – just a deep-rooted, heart knowledge that this is how God is calling me to love.  So there are days (sometimes many days) when I ask myself: Why am I still single?!?  My plan for my life was to go to college, meet a good Catholic man, fall in love, and marry upon graduating.  Not only did that not happen, but here I find myself two years out of college, still not even dating, and yet still very much feeling called to marriage.  So, why am I blogging about this in the midst of National Catholic Marriage Week?  Allow me to explain.

Being a young adult, single Catholic can definitely be a challenge at times.  But what I’ve come to see in the past few years is that this season of singleness is a grace-filled opportunity.  If only I will open myself up to the graces available in it.  The Lord has revealed a lot to me in my quest for an answer to the ever-pressing question, “God, if you’re calling me to marriage, then how come you haven’t provided the necessary components (a.k.a. a man to pursue me!)?”  He has shown me that this season of singleness holds so much opportunity to enrich my life and the lives of those around me.  When I decided to stop living in a state of longing for the future and the fulfillment of my vocation to marriage and instead began to focus on the place where God has me right now, my life became so much more life-giving and fulfilling.  For whatever reason, this state of singleness is exactly where God has me, and as I began to seek His face in the midst of it rather than kick and scream through it, I found that this season of my life is not a cross to run from, but rather a gift to embrace.

It’s a gift for so many reasons.  I have the ability to pour myself completely into serving God by serving His Church, right now in full-time ministry.  I have the time to pursue hobbies and interests that I probably won’t have time for when raising a family.  I can invest myself in rich and lasting friendships with other women who find themselves in a similar situation.  The list goes on, but, I think perhaps the greatest aspect of this season of singleness is that it is a unique time to focus on my own personal formation so that I might have a more beautiful gift of self to offer my husband and children someday.  Now is the time to allow God to form me into the woman He has created me to be.  Now is the time to create habits of daily personal prayer and frequent reception of the sacraments that will strengthen me to live my vocation of marriage when the time comes.  Now is the time to truly learn that Christ and Christ alone is the only One who will ever fulfill me.  Now – this time of singleness – is truly a grace-filled time.  And so, to all those of you out there who find yourself in a similar situation, let me challenge you to use this time of singleness to prepare for marriage through a deeper commitment to your own personal formation so that you might more fully live the abundant life Christ desires for each one of us.

By Sarah Houde

Wife, Mother, Catechist

I’ve been a wife for almost 34 years. I’ve been a mother almost as long. Catechist? I was prepared to say 13-14 years but then I stopped because that wasn’t correct. I’ve been a catechist about as long as I’ve been a mother. With my first child and all the other beautiful babies that followed, I found it very important that they make a connection with Jesus as friend. Certainly, the Rites of Baptism tell us that parents are the primary educators of their child(ren). But was I paying attention to that during the baptism? Of course not! I was 24, had a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy. All I could do was gaze in awe at that four-week-old miracle. Yet for some reason (probably the example of my father and grandmothers) I knew those babies had to know about Jesus. I can’t honestly say that I taught them their prayers when they were very little but they did recognize Jesus: on the cross, in a picture, a statue, in the nativity scene at home and in the crèche in church and they knew who Mary was.

When my oldest was about four or so, a friend introduced me to music cassettes (no MP3s back then) of “Psalty, the Singing Songbook” (Psalty, Psalter songbook, get it?). There was a story that threaded through the whole cassette and the music was upbeat. The first song on the first cassette was titled “Time to Praise the Lord” or something like that. At least once a week one of the kids would ask me to “praise the Lord.” On went the cassette and off they went marching to the music and, for the most part, singing along with Psalty and the kids. I can still remember the refrain from that song. Then came school and religious education and formal prayers and later youth ministry. We spoke about that at home and my husband and I did our best to “practice what we preached.”

They’re all grown now and gone. Of the four, two of them go to church on a regular/semi-regular basis.  But my work as mother and catechist is not finished. I still do my best to lead by example and when I can, I bring God into the topic of discussion. I have no illusions. As a wife, mother and catechist I have made many mistakes and on occasion, I have been an outright failure. However, God knows my heart and I pray often that He will take the lemons that have been created by my mistakes and failures and make lemonade. I pray too that with whatever mustard seed of faith that has been planted in my children and in-laws, God will take those seeds and make them grow into strong adult faith. So in the end, I assure my family of my love and prayers and do my best to emulate St. Francis to “preach the Gospel always [and] when necessary, use words.”

By Judy Michaud