Defending Marriage

 Over the last few years, the push for same-sex marriage has led opponents to surmise that “marriage is under attack” and that there is an urgent need to rally in “defense of marriage” as an institution.  While this debate touches upon the deepest values of our society, every day I am reminded of the many other ways that marriage is threatened. Trained to navigate and understand the laws of the Catholic Church, I am a canon lawyer and serve the Diocese of Portland primarily in the Marriage Tribunal, which investigates whether divorced individuals can remarry in the Catholic Church. More than anything, I have learned through my work here that so many have suffered greatly through failed marriages. While this is no surprise given the high divorce rate in the United States, hearing the stories of divorce and meeting those in pain is very different from reading a statistic. Some wounds never quite heal in this life.

As I share in the experiences of others’ turmoil, abuse, abandonment, hopelessness, anguish, shame, and disappointment, I imagine Christ’s commandment to “love one another” almost, instead, as a plea: “Please, I beg you! Love one another.” Every one of us, whether married or not, faces the trap to love less or not at all, to give less or not at all. Marriages fade and die without love. The love that marriage needs, however, is not mere affection, emotion, or feeling. Love is a commitment, a selfless devotion to the happiness and well-being of another. Although men and women are made to love and be loved, it takes effort to live our lives according to love.

In our own marriages, the fate of marriage as an institution is at stake. If marriage is the bedrock of our society, let it first be the bedrock of our families. It is so important for our friends, relatives and, most of all, children, to recognize the love that thrives in marriage. Too many broken marriages repeat themselves over the generations. How can we as a Church uphold marriage as a sacred institution if so many of us struggle to keep our families together? Whether you are single, happily married, unhappily married, or divorced, my advice is the same: love those close to you, especially when it’s difficult, and pray that God will give you the strength to live as you ought.

By Stephen Garbitelli, Canonist, Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland